Everything To Everyone

I bought noise-cancelling headphones yesterday to wear when the house gets too loud and crazy for my already noise-sensitive brain, possibly heightened by Lyme. It was Carly Power's idea. I've already used 2 of my 3 allowed visits to Carly Power, as allowed annually by this health plan. But they were necessary.

Before I go off on that tangent, I should say that the headphones work well. When I'm alone with the kids I am unable to be all the things they want me to be. When operating at 100 % I still can't satisfy all their whims and needs, there will always be one crying. I tend to cater to Henry more, leaving Bernadette in the lurch because she's less likely to cry. But sometimes she crys and whines too because how fun is it to play with someone who constantly can't do or be all the things you want them to be because she has an 11 month old attached to her. So even when fully engaged, no distraction, no making food or snacks or drinks for anyone, no cell phone nearby, no trying to fold laundry or put away toys. So even when I decide to indulge her fully and play, Henry tends to cry for me, the suckiest baby I've ever known. That's where the headphones come in. 

I'm spending the week planning for Marty to be working away for 10 days. This means I'm planning a grocery delivery, making food I can eat from scratch (crackers, soup, hummus etc) so I'll have the ability to eat, buying headphones, downloading apps for food delivery with food I can eat starred. It all feels so overwhelming, but as Marty pointed out "at least it won't be minus fifty", and that was good perspective. If it was a pandemic, the dayhome was closed, I was suffering from an unknown disease that made my hands and wrists ache, I was unable to eat most foods, and I had to care for two small children AND IT WAS MINUS FIFTY? That would be too much. Ha. But the therapist has been helping me to prepare for this week of Marty away. I'm thinking I'll just shower in the evenings when he's home, and try and keep everyone alive. 

My little tornado was another term that popped into my head this morning, as Bernadette whirled about moving objects around faster than I could process. I made a note to write it down, and considered a Facebook post but then decided on this. I put it down there so I remember, not for others input. Why do we seek those things out I wonder?

I've been trying to listen to my own brain more, as this disease progresses. Google has not helped me, only steered me wrong. Thinking and wondering and working to solve it with myself has worked, and I wish I'd learned that sooner. That would be my advice for anyone else going through this, or perhaps just everyone. I don't think we give ourselves credit, forgetting that we have a more powerful computer right inside us. It requires nurturing and nutrition and time to rest and then it can do amazing things, like remind us in October that we were bit by a tick in June. 

As I fell asleep last night I wondered if my brain was doing weird things when I closed my eyes. I no longer trust my body to behave normally, as I'm hyper-aware of possible new symptoms. I thought I was seeing things and then the words "third eye" popped into my head and wouldn't let go. I don't know what that means beyond it being the space between my eyes, and that it's a special sacred place in some cultures. Since I decided to pay close attention to what my brain is trying to tell me, I remembered to write it down, and look into it later. Dwell on it, think of it often, don't push it down and take away its power, it might mean something, it might be trying to tell you something.
Now is when Google becomes helpful.