Grief

It's one of the few emotions we can spend a large part of our lives not ever knowing it, experiencing it, feeling it at all. And then one day, we feel it for the first time and we say, what the fuck is this feeling? 

I thought grief was sadness. I was way off.  It's so obsessive and confusing and all-encompassing. 

And those that never felt it think it can be compared to missing something, but that's not it. It's an entirely new emotion that can alter your physical body in the same way rage or jealousy or fear can. 

And it's inescapable. You feel it until you don't feel it anymore, or you feel it forever in some way. And you have no control over that timeline. 

The first movie I ever recall watching that told the story of a huge loss was Thomas J in My Girl. And they got it so very right, in the way they wrote her scene at his funeral. She's upset that he's not wearing his glasses, and he needs his glasses. That is grief. 

All that to say, I miss my friend.
I bought him some tea the other day even though he'd died, because he asked me to get him some tea, before he died. So now there are 6 boxes of tea just falling out of the cupboard because I didn't want him to die. 

And sometimes I wonder if there's more at play, in our brains, when that is occurring. Something we can't see or explain.