The moment I realized

 Last night I watched this clip from the filmmakers of To Dye For, and I was reminded of my A-Ha moment and wanted to get it down. 

It had been months of holding my daughter while she lashed out, every limb kicking and fighting me, preventing her from destruction of property and harming other children, specifically her little brother. I cried everyday. I called my sister, I begged for advice, she told me to take a class on holds you can put children in. I called therapists, I spoke with her Doctor, I was desperate. 

What I didn't know was that here I was, holding her, begging her to stop, for one of the last times. She was safe in the playroom at Grandmas. But I wasn't sure Grandma was okay as she had never been present for one of these violent episodes, she'd only heard of them. I left Bernadette in the playroom and went out to explain to Grandma that it was okay, she'll calm down in about 30 minutes, then we'll head home, "sorry you had to see this". 

That's when I saw the candy cane wrapper on the counter and my brain finally put all the pieces together. Isn't there a "thing" with red dye? Didn't she start vibrating at 2 after having some baby tylenol and when I wrote the company they suggested to buy dye-free? Wasn't there a froot loops incident at a hotel when she was 3? HOW DID I NOT FIGURE THIS OUT SOONER?!

I went back into the room where she was reeling. I cried, I held her, and for the first time in 3 months I felt intense relief and empathy for her situation. I told her I was sorry, I told her it wasn't her fault, I told her it was going to be over soon and it was never going to happen again. I felt enraged at the suits that sit around boardroom tables and discuss this very subject. That rage has never subsided. 

And guess what? I WAS RIGHT. 

We quit allowing her to consume food dye and after a few hiccups, the tantrums finally stopped. It has been over 2 years and my sweet daughter is back, no therapists, no medication, she just stopped consuming an ingredient the federally regulated system deemed safe.