Low-level dread.

This song came on the radio and instantly calmed me down. 

“If you think you can ever love me again, please go ahead, I don’t mind”

I’ve had a blanket of anxiety over me for a few days. An uneasy feeling that makes it difficult to sleep, like something bad is happening or about to happen, but I know it's just a sign that something isn't right in my own body. 

I think I’ve been eating poorly, and need a few days of healthy food and water to reset my gut bacteria, often the cause of anxiety. Maybe some probiotics. 

This was confirmed by science recently (here), but I figured it out for myself years ago when I had a panic attack at the elevators at work. I was still drinking then, which complicates anxiety immensely. I was also on day 10 of antibiotics for a UTI so my guts were shot. 

After that episode, I should have quit drinking but instead I was put on anti-anxiety meds. I only took them for 3 months. 9 months later I discovered the connection between the panic attack and the antibiotics and the gut bacteria. 

Around this time I started an alcohol and anxiety therapy group through Alberta health. Basically I was trying everything possible to quit drinking (except quitting drinking) and although this group didn't do it for me, every bit helped. This is where I learned about cognitive behaviour therapy - and read Feeling Good by David Burns at the suggestion of the therapist. Big help.

But the biggest help of course was 6 months later when I quit drinking for good (6 years ago now). The anxiety triggered by having too much or not enough to drink is enough to set your nerves on edge for days. You’ll never know the true source of your feelings, always burying them in booze. Chasing something, some kind of relief disguised as fun. But the fun ended years ago.

Anyway, I feel the anxiety creep in slowly and quietly now and I know how to manage it before it gets out of hand. First I try and find the source, and if I can’t, I can use music and other things to tame it. I told Bernadette today that a good song can feel like my blankie, and how sucking her thumb feels for her.

Kids get these feelings too, but as I get older I have so many things I do on the daily to feel better, without realizing. Kids have their blankies and thumbs, and if they’re not allowed to have those, they have their bedrooms and their toys and their pillows, and their Mom and Dad, hopefully. They can’t express what comfort these things provide to them, but I imagine it's an immense amount.

Teenagers often feel the most powerless, no money, no way to get around, forced to go to places that make them uncomfortable, every single day, like school. Eating junk food cause they don’t want to do anything their parents want them to do. It reminds me of a line from My-So-Called-Life by the original angsty teenager, Angela Chase: 

“I cannot bring myself to eat a well-balanced meal in front of my mother. It just means too much to her."

Running away, their bedroom their only refuge. And if their parents dont understand that, don’t give them that freedom and privacy they desperately crave to calm the anxiety and escape, they spiral further into darkness.

I get it. It took me 30 years to figure out I can’t wear jewellery or listen to the hand dryer in a bathroom. My extreme sensitivity to touch and sound and smell can be managed now that I know, I’m the boss of my own life as I finally have stability, money and resources. But for years I was just pinballing around, feeling everything all at once, all of the time, out of control. 

Back then, all I had was music. It’s a lot of kids lifelines I’m sure. And a healthy coping mechanism that should be encouraged. Understanding why we do all these things is important too. As a kid, as a parent, learning more about healthy ways of being alive. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share that Sturgill song mostly. What a gem.