What it's really like to have a pot-bellied pig as a pet.

It's summer in Ramsay and I'm on the front porch reading when a little girl and her dad walk by. “A pig lives in that house” I hear her say. Her Dads eyebrow goes up, as he questions everything he knows about city bylaws.

I’ll blame Georgia I guess, for owning a pig, since going to an exotic animal auction was her idea. She gets antsy every April, with spring coming on, usually moving to a different house where she can start fresh, plant a garden, and leave half her belongings behind.

Dragging our boyfriends to this exotic animal auction in Olds, Alberta had been in the works for a few weeks when I started googling "How to keep a pot-bellied pig as a pet". I’d always wanted one and the articles I found described pigs as smart, obedient, and charming pets. So I did what anyone would do; I drove to Olds, Alberta and bid on a baby pig while my boyfriend smoked a joint in the car.

                           

Up close, the pigs were a little bit scary and I was starting to get cold feet. I was relieved when we were told that the pot-bellied pig portion of the auction wasn't until 3pm. Unsure what to do for the rest of the day, we went to a bowling alley down the street.

We ordered breakfast, bowled and drank jug after jug after jug of draft beer.. We returned to the auction at 3pm against my better judgement, fueled by draft beer. "Don't buy a pig!" Ryan yelled at me as I walked in, knowing very well I was going to buy a pig.

I ignored their 200 lb counterparts in the next stall, telling myself they were a different breed. We’d never been to an exotic animal auction before, but we got a number and sat in the risers with everyone else. The pigs were ushered out and I was overcome with fear, as Georgia raised our number. No one else bid so in a split second pig #7 was ours for $40.00. She also bid on a herd of alpacas but immediately retracted her bid while the announcer laughed at her. “Why not?” he prodded. “I don’t think they’ll fit in our car” Georgia replied.

In the waiting stall were 12 little pigs with numbers glued on their sides running around biting each other. Unsure of how to get my little # 7 pig out, I asked the closest teenager in farm clothes for help. He found a box, hopped in the stall and picked up #7. The scream was unlike anything I'd ever heard before.

As I approached the car with my pig in a box, Ryan put out his cigarette and shook his head.

#7 pig was very frightened and immediately went to the bathroom. We ditched the poo box in the parking lot and I held him in my arms the whole way home. I named him Mickey after my favourite Monkee.

Weird facts about pigs:

• Pigs eat smells. Mickey chomps at the air when something smells good or bad.  

• They can run super fast, like videogame fast.

• Not only do they snort, they also bark (when displeased) and wolf (when scared or running).

• Pig penises are shaped like corkscrews and dart into the ground at a furious terrifying rate.

• They can chew gum like a human. Mickey once chewed a piece for 45 minutes without swallowing. 

• They enjoy food like a human would; as Chris once said: "he would like a chip, but he would prefer a chip with dip".

Mickey settled in nicely at the house, with a little bed, a litterbox and a whole main floor to discover. I went to bed that night and had nightmare after nightmare about the reality of what I'd done. First things first, we had to move.

When you ask Google how to have a potbellied pig as a pet it says something like:

Vietnamese Pot-bellied pigs are smarter than dogs and very clean. With the right care they can live a very happy life indoors.

I would like to re-write that according to my experience.

Pigs are very intelligent. More intelligent than dogs even, but that means they’re understimulated if left home alone. Mickey would knock all the cushions off the couch, turn over the coffee table, and pull out books and rip them to shreds. So I started leaving him in the yard where he would dig up every inch of grass, pull every loose board off the fence, then break out in search of an apple tree. The routine was to come home from work, discover him gone, set out on foot, then find him chomping on apples surrounded by neighbours taking photos of him.

Pigs can be litter box trained. They can be litter box trained quite easily, on the first day as a matter of fact. However, they EAT cat litter like it's popcorn. Mickey really liked to drag his expensive pine shavings litter into his bedding, creating a big soup of filthy blankets that smell like a hamsters cage.

Pigs are clean animals and odourless because they don't sweat. Their bodies are clean but their snouts are always covered in mud, leaves, or yogurt. Everything in your house at snout level will soon be covered in that as well. Your pants and your guests pants will get 'pig faced' by the dirty snout.

Pigs are easily trainable. Some pigs play toy pianos, dunk basketballs, jump through hoops, and ride skateboards. Other pigs open the fridge, knock over garbage cans, run away with guests purses, tear up books, eat make-up, and shake the leg of tables until everything on it comes crashing down.

Pot-bellied pigs stay small. They do stay small compared to a 1000 lb hog. At 200 lbs potbellied pigs are about the size of a dog, but 3x as heavy.

So the next time someone tells you: “I hear pigs make great pets”, please share with them the corkscrew penis fact and the whole eating walls thing.