My mind is a funnel

Today I simply need to get all these thoughts out that are swarming around in my brain, causing a tightness in my chest, onto paper (or screen).

In the morning, I wake up. All the days responsibilities then swarm into my closed eyes like I'm scrolling Tiktok.

Kids up, breakfast, dressed, make lunch, start car (hope the car starts, remember the flat tire yesterday?), drive them, go to work, eat, don't forget to eat, pee every 45 minutes (why do I pee so often? do I need to see a Dr?), reminder to call the Doctor - B's legs are aching, why didn't the Doctor test for Lyme last summer after that engorged tick? It's probably Lyme, oh my god. 

Pick up phone, 45 missed messages, remember to watch those movies your sister sent, I don't think Henry peed today, text dayhome - he needs to pee, he needs to drink water, check ig, check fb, check Tiktok, check again. 

Answer emails, check your dye video, go down dye rabbit hole, watch someone say dye is completely safe as proven by science, feel rage, put phone down, go back to the emails. 

I'm funneling. 
I'm spiraling. 
I'm overwhelmed. 
Take a lemon balm, have a ginger tea, remember to eat lunch. 

Sometimes I worry I'll get gain weight as I age and then I remember that my brain is so out of control all the time I don't have the ability to eat without worry (is neurotic the right word?) so that isn't possible. 

Text from Marty, out of town next week, any appointments? Lots, and Valentines Day. 
That's where the stomach pain came from, I'm worried. I don't like when he's away, it stresses me out. I don't trust myself to have a good time, my worry will cause more worry. 

Maybe I'll get a babysitter. 
Yes, I'll get a babysitter, Tuesday night, so I can do my course. 
Let's move Valentines day to Feb 12th he says. 
Yes, lovely idea.

Don't forget the Dentist at noon, don't forget to eat before they freeze your mouth, Siri, set a timer for 2 hours. Do some work, find the phone number for Telus, wait on hold, talk to machines. 

I need to go for a walk. 
I need to listen to a song. 
I need to breathe some cold air. 

Telus comes on the phone, now they're gone again. I have to drop the tire off, I have to drop those books off to my friend, I have to go to the dentist. The walk and the song and the cold air will have to wait. The computer can't understand me so I scream at the machine, over and over again. I think it helps to scream but studies show it makes us more agitated. I'm agitated.

Dentist time. Mouth frozen, must pick up kids, if I don't have snacks ready - will they cry and whine? I can't handle that, prep snacks, pick up kids, log 2 hours of work- how can I only get 2 hours of work done in a whole day? Make the kids dinner, put on movies so they let me, they don't let me. 

Scarf down food as quickly as possible so I can finally RELAX. 
They don't eat a bite. 
Make them cereal. 
Play. 
What time is it?
When is he home?
Am I in a constant state of worry from the moment I open my eyes until they're sleeping? Or until he's home?

I would have made a wonderful drunk wife and mom. I would have been a beautiful mess. 
Instead I'm the wife and mom I always wanted to be. 
Riddled with anxiety. 
Laura, take a lemon balm, you're stressing me out. 

I'm not stressed, I tell my sister. 
What I mean is, I don't feel stress about work, or life, I enjoy both. But today this feels like stress. 
Has Telus hung up on me again?
Computers cause me stress. 
Beaurocracy causes me stress. 
Lyme disease and ticks and medicine and dye swarming around my brain harming my children causes me a lot of stress. 

So I guess I am. 
Tea is ready to drink, perfect. 
That nurse once told me to take ginger everyday, it's perfectly spicy and feels like medicine. It helps. 

Remember you're in charge, remember you can have fun too, remember to turn the music up and ignore the laundry, and take them somewhere new and different if you want. 
But then he'll come home and homeostasis will be restored.