The lump

 The lump in my thumb is a contradiction. 

It showed up 4 weeks after the tick bite, along with dozens of other symptoms. It's been a symbol of the unknown, rendering me unable to click my kids carseat belts in easily. It's just a lump. In my thumb. And I hate it.

I't s a contradiction, because according to Alberta Health I don't have Lyme Disease. But according to the world, the lump is called Borrelial Lymphocytoma. A manifestation of Lyme Disease. 

While most of my symptoms have gone away (with treatment from a naturopath) the lump remains. 

Today I sat waiting for my appointment with a dermatologist to see if he can get rid of the lump. Anxious feelings started 2 hrs earlier when I was choosing what to wear. I recognized the anxiety and wondered why I was feeling it so strongly. Then, as I sat in the chair waiting for him to come in, rehearsing what I was going to say, it escalated to a point where I was struggling to breathe, and tears filled my eyes. I tried square breathing for the second time in my life.

I couldn't say exactly what I was afraid of, but I'm sure it was just not being believed or helped. That internist really did a number on me. 

I collected myself well enough that when he finally came in I wasn't crying anymore, and my heart had stopped racing. He looked at the lump and spoke to me for 90 seconds. 

Now I wait for the phonecall from the hand clinic, where I'll be receiving plastic surgery.

What a wild ride. 
And I cried the whole way home again. 

When I'm whole again, and the lump is gone, and I don't take 15 pills/day anymore, I wonder how long it will take for these emotions that have been wrapped up in this for the last 18 months, I wonder when those will go away.