Unlikable

I feel very uncomfortable sitting with the idea that someone dislikes me for things I have said and done. The twists in the pit of my stomach, I suddenly notice the saliva in my mouth, is there more than usual? Am I going to puke? Why is this feeling so uncomfortable? Can I un-say it, undo it? Should I be ashamed or proud that I spoke true feelings? Were they true feelings or just pointless gossiping? Was it honest or just social media drivel? I don’t know the difference. But I now have to just sit with the feeling that I have said or done something to make someone else uncomfortable enough to say “I don’t like that” and that’s it.

The hardest one was when my child’s nanny quit. She gave me such little explanation, and pointed to my behaviour as the reason for it but then swiftly cutoff all contact leaving me with more questions than answers. There was a language gap, that I blame it on partially. We never fully understood each other. Only 75 percent. Also possibly a cultural gap, which I think was most of it. But this particular failed relationship hurt the most, because it affected my child. Unable to understand where her dear Roxana went, it was the first time I felt I’d failed as a parent. It makes me uncomfortable to even talk about it. And I’ll never know what I did.